Yesterday, I felt mentally insane. It was time for EMDR.

For those unfamiliar, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy. My psychologist explained it to me nicely in the past, but the scientific details escape me now – something about bilateral stimulation or whatever?! In a nutshell, you move your eyes left and right for a short period while thinking about a traumatic memory, feeling or thought. This is supposed to simulate REM sleep, the phase in which your brain is said to process memories. Honestly, it all sounds pretty logical if you don’t overthink it; but if you don’t overthink it too much, the scientific explanation can also easily slip away. Anyway, EMDR is designed for trauma and PTSD, but apparently, it also works for complex PTSD, which is a fancy term for “I didn’t experience one major traumatic event, but a series of smaller or bigger sufferings over the years” – like childhood neglect, abuse, or bullying. What stands out most to me is that EMDR doesn’t just address your thoughts but also your feelings and body. It’s like a total mental reset with a little body awareness thrown in.

That’s my deep dive into EMDR. For the scientific breakdown, you’re better off consulting an expert – I’m definitely not the person for that level of detail.

The Basics of EMDR: What Actually Happens?

So, how does an EMDR session work in practice?

Picture the classic setup: the therapist moves their two fingers (middle and ring finger, naturally) from left to right, while you, the client, move your eyes in sync and focus on a memory or a segment of a memory. This goes on for a few seconds, after which you do a breathing exercise to calm your nervous system. Breath in, breath out.

Beware: If you try to breath a few times, you might start feeling lightheaded -at least that’s what my therapist told me. At one point, I tried exhaling several times, but she wasn’t too fond of that. Maybe it was just the heavy breathing she didn’t like, since she always breathes along with me. Imagine, like we’re doing pregnancy breathing together! She also sits fairly close during these “finger-waving” sessions, which now makes me hope she’ll never forget to charge the lamp again.

My Personal Take on EMDR

In my version of EMDR, I prefer staring at a battery-operated lamp that emits soft blue light and moves left to right. The light’s speed can be adjusted with a simple tap on my therapist’s phone – like magic, right? And if that’s not enough, there are also buzzers: small stones that alternate vibrations in your hands. Not to mention the headphones, which alternate beeping in your ears. But honestly, I found the buzzers and beeping a little distracting, so I stick to my trusty blue light.

Here’s how the session typically goes: You think about a memory that comes up spontaneously. While moving your eyes back and forth, you focus on that memory. In my sessions, my therapist and I often start with the present moment. So no, it doesn’t always have to be a traumatic event (though you might think so, given the clinical terms and jargon). EMDR doesn’t just target your thoughts; it also works with your emotions and physical sensations. If, for example, you notice tension in your shoulder – without knowing why – you can focus your eye movements on that. This approach comes in handy if you’re not sure what to say, or if your brain decides to set up a dance party with monkeys (it happens).

Getting Vulnerable: Trusting the Process

The goal of EMDR is to not overthink things and say whatever comes to mind. This could be anything from “I’m a worthless person” to detailed memories of past events, to “I feel frustrated” or “My back feels like concrete.” Anything goes, as long as it’s spontaneous. Sometimes my therapist will ask an additional question, but often I’m vague and she accepts it.

During my last session, for instance, I said, “I feel like I’m going to jump out of my body.” It sounds absurd, right? Like some form of psychosis. But hey, sometimes the weirdest things come up. And that’s okay! The therapist’s job is to dig deeper, like an emotional detective, and find the right moment to start bilateral stimulation again.

Then there are the times when the memories are so painful, you can’t even say them out loud. That’s okay too. You don’t have to voice them, and the therapist can continue with the stimulation while you focus on the hidden trauma in your mind. But sometimes, by the end of the session, I find myself spilling everything – down to the most gruesome details of my trauma. And you know what? That’s usually a good sign. It shows trust. Or maybe I’ve just become an open book with no filter. Either way, it indicates progress.

The Aftermath: Sometimes It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better

Sometimes, after an EMDR session, things get worse before they get better. You may experience nightmares, relive past trauma, or suddenly remember forgotten details – like the floor, the stairs and the door to the trauma. But the more I’ve done EMDR, the more I notice certain memories becoming less accessible or losing their power. Thoughts like “I’m a worthless person” or “I want to jump out of my body” lose their grip over time.

A lot of the time, my therapist asks me what feelings come up when I think about a memory, but my issue is that I don’t feel anything. It’s like radio silence in my mind. Because of my trauma, I’ve shut down my emotional world as a protective measure. Not feeling means no intense pain. So my EMDR sessions often focus on reactivating that emotional world – and honestly, this is how I felt yesterday: mentally insane.

Yesterday’s Session: A Disturbing Moment of Insanity

Throughout yesterday’s session, I had a tough time feeling “present” in the process. I struggled to connect with my thoughts, my memories, or even the therapy itself. Okay, I was very aware of my body, which is unusual for me. But I felt so in my body that I just wanted to get up and leave the room. Just before that, I had also mentioned a little screaming woman in my mind, silently shouting at the world. Yes, it sounds a little crazy, but that’s what I was imagining.

My therapist said, “Do it, get up, and feel yourself walking out of the room.”

So there I was, standing outside on the street, unsure of what I was supposed to do. I felt utterly ridiculous. I saw a man with his kids walk by and couldn’t help but wonder what on earth this therapeutic intervention was all about. When I returned to the session, my therapist asked me what I felt, and I said, “I feel mentally insane.” But she had a different perspective. She explained that the urge to leave was the physical manifestation of that screaming woman in my mind – it was the need to get away from everything: the past, the original trauma, secondary trauma from the police and justice system (I could write a blog about that too) and the disappointing reactions from my environment. It was the anger within.

Moving Forward: The Power of Feeling

We continued from there, digging deeper into memories with my family – particularly my mother’s obsession with my appearance and career, while ignoring my mental health. And then, suddenly, I found myself in the next consultation room, with my dietitian.

Now, normally, I never feel anything. But when my dietitian started talking about exercise, I couldn’t help it – I cried like a baby. Of course, I couldn’t tell her the whole backstory: how I used to be athletic, but after a near-death experience, I lost that part of myself. Now, I feel awful about my physical changes. But you don’t share that with a dietitian you just met. That’s more of a story for a blog post.

The Final EMDR Thought